Uncle Zell Says
by Marree
Summary: have any of you ever seen the end of some kiddy shows where they try to tag on educational value? (ex: Sailor Moon and 'Sailor Moon Sayz')


Uncle Zell Says  
by Mariye  
  
======  
Disclaimer: Lemme let you know what brought this on... See I was   
watching some old Sailor Moon Episodes (back when Rini first came and  
they ALL had the GOOD voices eh-hem, sorry, that just gets to me) and  
I noticed at the end of each episode they had a sweet little   
educational 5 seconds of Sailor Moon says. So without further ado,   
Uncle Zell Says.  
  
Zell: Also, Mariye doesn't own me or FF8, wish her and some of these  
other fan fic authors did though, because the stories THEY write   
about us are way better than the Square ones.  
  
Square gods: What did you say infidel who I can squish like a bug?  
  
Zell: Nothing! I love Squaresoft! All hail Square!  
======  
  
[Zell steps in front of a huge projection screen. Looks around, then  
whispers toward the ceiling.]  
  
Zell: Um, Mariye? I thought this was gonna be called Hot Teen Idol  
Who Everyone Loves and is a great T-Boarder Zell Says...  
  
Mariye: [Booming voice from above.] Nope, too long, plus we had some  
objections to you being called a Hot Teen Idol Everyone Loves.  
  
Zell: Wha? Who? I'll beat them up!   
  
Mariye: Seifer and Irvine. Seifer cause he thinks you're a   
Chicken-Wuss, and Irvine because you stole his hotdog. Cheer up, Squall  
wanted to call it Mr. Know-it-all Zell Says.  
  
Zell: Dang. Oh well. [Looks at imaginary audience and screen.] S'up  
everyone? Uncle Zell here. Today we are going to talk about violence  
and respecting others.   
  
[Screen shows Zell in training, beating up Squall.]  
  
Zell: Ouch, that had to hurt. See kids, we are all trained   
professionals. That means most of our stunts are fake and   
choreographed, and that we can handle fighting like that.   
  
:::click:::  
  
[clicks a button. The screen shows Zell being knocked out by Squall   
right after he did Boo-yah on Squall.]   
  
Zell: ha ha, um, how did THAT get in there?  
  
Seifer: [In the background.] Oh yeah, that's the Chicken-Wuss we all  
know.  
  
Zell: Seifer! I'm gonna beat your candy @$$ all over Garden if you  
mess up MY segment.  
  
Seifer: Eh, you're just mad that I got more screen-time than you.   
Very petty Chicken-Wuss.  
  
Zell: I'll beat you up and send you home to Matron. [Stops, then looks  
at the camera.] Oh, yeah, um, I forgot. Kiddies, forget what I said  
just then, okay?  
  
Seifer: Don't listen to him children! He's a liar! He was violently  
threatening me!  
  
Zell: Shut up! Do you want me to shove my fist down your... Oops, I  
mean, Seifer, that is not kind, please stop.  
  
:::click:::  
  
[Seifer starts laughing hysterically and making his way to the   
stage. Zell clicks for another picture. This one is of him with three  
hotdogs shoved in his mouth at once.]  
  
Zell: Um, no, lets not discuss that picture... [starts clicking his  
clicky thing like mad, trying to find a picture not showing him in   
an embarrassing position.]  
  
:::click:::  
  
:::click:::  
  
:::clickity click click click:::  
  
:::clickity click click click click clickity click:::  
  
Seifer: [Now up on stage next to Zell.] Is there a woodpecker in   
here? Can I use Hyperion to kill it?  
  
Zell: [Glares at Seifer.] We're going to leave the topic of violence  
right now with these profound parting words. Violence is bad and is  
not the answer. Also, do as I say and not as I do.  
  
Seifer: Lemme see the clicker.  
  
Zell: No! Who-ever up there that's running the projector can shut it  
down now! Thanks!  
  
Fujin: [From off screen...] NEGATIVE.  
  
Raijin: [From off screen...] Yeah, ya know. Seifer said for us to   
keep running these slides.  
  
Zell: Dang it! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!  
  
Seifer: Now Chicken-Wuss, I'm disappointed. You're supposed to be   
talking about respecting others, and here you say you hate us? I'm   
hurt. [Pretends he's going to slash Zell with his gunblade. Zell   
drops the clicker and Seifer snatches it up.]  
  
:::click:::  
  
Seifer: Alrighty, here we have a picture of little baby Chick-Wuss  
being potty trained. I think he's about 7 in this picture...  
  
Fujin: AAAW.  
  
Raijin: How sweet, ya know.  
  
Zell: I was 6! Where did you get that! Tries to snatch away the   
clicker.  
  
Seifer: When we were fishing in Balamb, we visited your mom and she  
gave us these.  
  
:::click:::  
  
Seifer: Here's one of newborn Chick-Wuss with a bare-bottom.  
  
Zell: NOOOOOO! Tries to block the picture.  
  
Fujin: UGH, LOST APPETITE.  
  
Raijin: I'm blind, ya know!  
  
Seifer: Lets move on.  
  
:::click:::  
  
Zell: [Looks up to the ceiling.] C'mon Mariye, help me.  
  
Mariye: I'd like to Zell, but see, I think Seifer's cool. You know  
how girls love the bad boys.  
  
Zell: But... but you always say I'm your favorite.  
  
Mariye: But Seifer's my third favorite. Besides, you're whining and I  
don't like whining, so Seifer and the DC stay. Come on and finish up,  
your time's almost up.  
  
Zell: [Mumbles.] Talking about 'Respecting others' with Seifer in the  
room? Seems sacreligious...   
  
Seifer: You heard her Chicken-Wuss, respect her and finish up.  
  
:::click:::  
  
Seifer: Here's Zell eating spaghetti, age 13.  
  
Fujin: AAAAAAA!   
  
[Raijin faints. You can't see him faint, but you know he did.]  
  
Seifer: Yes, I know it is grotesque.  
  
Zell: See kids, what Seifer is doing is wrong, and disrespectful.  
Now, watch what you should do. [Turns to Seifer.] Now please Mr.   
Almasy, what you are doing is disrespectful and hurtful to myself.  
Please stop.  
  
[Seifer looks at him funny.]  
  
Zell: See. It works. We had a dialog and now we have come to an   
agreement and get along.  
  
Seifer: Chicken-Wuss, you on something?  
  
Zell: Please don't call me that.  
  
Seifer: What?  
  
:::click:::  
  
Seifer: You mean Chicken-Wuss?  
  
Zell: Yes. And stop with the pictures.  
  
Seifer: Nope.  
  
Zell: QUIT IT! [Leaps onto Seifer and attacks him. He eventually   
knocks him out. Raijin and Fujin run down and drag Seifer off-stage.]  
  
Zell: See children, if you do as I say, and not as I do, you'll be  
just fine. See ya next time!  
  
======  
  
[the end]  
  
A/N: My friends are calling me Selphie now! (-_-) Why? At lunch my  
friends and I were discussing which game or cartoon character we each  
were most like. My one guy friend just looked at me, then said,   
"Jenni, (my real name, Marie's my middle 1, hense the author name +  
my usual nickname) you are the quintisential Selphie. I was stunned.  
I tried to ask to be Quistis or even Rinoa at least, but all of them  
said no. "You're too happy." "You're into music." "You're kinda  
hyper." "You have the same hair and eyes." I couldn't reason with them,  
and finally just accepted this new nickname that was dropped on me.  
Course, the only bad thing is... now to get my attention in the halls,  
instead of yelling Mariye, or at the very least Jenni, even tho  
about 20 people would answer...; they yell Selphie. Worst of all I   
respond to it. Kinda scary, huh? Well, to get to the point of this  
babbling, it means I'm not gonna be dissing Selphie anymore in my fics,  
except for in occasional humor ones. K, bye! 


End file.
